damnit. just blogged. hit save as draft. and now it's gone.

i'll try to recreate.

but the moment has passed. but not forever!


here goes.



i'm frustrated.

i'm dreaming about it.

it's all one sided.

my oldest, dearest friend doesn't even know she's upset me. but only b/c she has yet to return my phone call(s). am i calling too much? 3 times this weekend? and a text. great, now i'm the stalker friend. do i quit calling? do i quit her, until she finds the time for me? how do you find time? there is only 24 hours in a day, pick a space and put me there. i miss her. i feel like, lately, she only calls when something is wrong. i like being there for her, but i want to be there for her when she has great accomplishments too! i want to be involved in her life! the good and the bad. and right now, i have a feeling her life is good. and i'm not there.

at all.


i find that troublesome. i don't want to be the old good memory. i want to keep being in the adventures and memory making, and she's going on without me. has she filled my spot?
no way. never.
i know this, but i feel like my spot is so small, that i'm being crowded out by people that i've never even met! her co workers, don't know who her best friend is! i would like to be a bigger part of her life. i should be! i get it, i get that she is working to be the best, she is working her way up, paying her dues. at Christmas our gift to each other was our time. spending time with each other in the near future. maybe dinner and drinks, maybe just a random night out. she said "even if it's in February". i thought she was teasing! i guess not. i hope not.


i'm wounded. it's deep.
and only she has what can cure me.
her time.